Is He Stuck Up or Shy?

If you want the attention of everyone, then you may be stuck up. If you feel that everyone is looking at you and judging you negatively, then you are probably shy.

Shy folks are extremely sensitive to others' opinions. They tend to assume others are judging them and that the judgment is negative. To overcome shyness you must come to realize that while some people are interested in you, most are not.

For example, Jane walks into a party and feels that a spotlight has been focused on her. She becomes so self-conscious that she is unable to enjoy the social opportunities of the party and soon wants to leave. Other party-goers assume she doesn't like their company.

If you think you are perfect, you are probably stuck up. If you feel imperfect, you are probably shy.

You are clearly exaggerating your worth when you are only able to see your strengths and avoid looking at your weaknesses. On the other hand, shy folks are excruciatingly aware of their faults and believe that these faults stand out like a sore thumb. Shyness causes the individual to examine themselves while they interact with others. It is as though they are sitting on a perch above each interaction to catch any mistakes. Each word, gesture, and reaction is assessed with a critical eye.

For instance, Sam is talking to a coworker. He finds it difficult to maintain concentration because he is also telling himself that he sounds like an idiot and that his coworker knows that he doesn't really know what he is talking about.

If you can't imaging being rejected by anyone then you are probably stuck up. If you feel that rejection is a sign of your unworthiness, then you are likely a shy person.

Shy folks are extremely sensitive to any sign of rejection. They desire unconditional acceptance and experience normal disagreements, differences of opinion, or even disagreeable facial expressions as a sign of rejection. Distraction or intrusion by another person in a conversation can also be viewed as a sign of rejection.

Sally is talking with Bill. Bill's attention is caught by something happening on the television screen. Sally says to herself, "I can see he's not interested in talking to me." She replies to Bill, "I'll talk to you later" and walks away, leaving Bill confused as to why she walked away so abruptly.

As you can see by the examples, overcoming shyness requires you to examine how you think about yourself in social situations. Shyness is a painful way to interact (or avoid interacting) with others. However, it is not a permanent condition. Many formerly shy folks have learned to enjoy interacting with others by recognizing that they are not the center of attention and that it is okay to make social mistakes or lose others' attention.

Stuck up people rarely try to change, but you can see that they also need to change their false perceptions.

Is She a Bitch or Bipolar

The public's awareness of bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depressive disorder) has grown considerably in the past ten years. It was once considered a rare disorder but is now diagnosed with increasing frequency. Along with increased awareness of the disorder has come misunderstanding.

I have found that quickness to anger is often seen as a sign of bipolar disorder. When someone is frequently irritable they are suspected of having bipolar disorder. Couples that have frequent fights often claim that their partner has bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder is not best characterized by anger although irritability can be an important symptom. Bipolar disorder is best characterized by mood swings. The mood may change rapidly or gradually. This change in mood can occur over just a few hours or over months.

On the "high" end, the individual has an elevated mood. His or her mood tends to be euphoric. He or she has unusual amounts of energy, impulsiveness, less need for sleep, is easily distracted, and has an inflated self-esteem. The person's euphoric mood is not just happy but can be dangerously unrealistic.

On the "low" end, the individual suffers from a depressed mood. Activity slows, sleep becomes a source of escape, concentrating takes greater effort, and self-esteem tanks. When down, individual will view themselves, the world, and others in a negative light.

Irritability occurs in bipolar disorder when the individual is euphoric or depressed. The euphoric individual becomes frustrated when others impede with their goals, schemes, or "cleaver" ideas. Other's effort to protect the euphoric person from harm is viewed as an irritant, not as help.

Irritability also accompanies the down side. Depression leads the individual to see everything negatively, which leads others to urge the person to be more positive, more active, and be more social. Irritability serves to push others away and removes help that is viewed as making an overwhelming demand.

Now when a husband claims his wife is bipolar, typically he is not describing this pattern of mood swings. Rather, he is saying, "She seems to get mad for no reason" or "She just can't let go of hurts that I have inflicted." Note that the irritability has an interpersonal context that the spouse is denying. Often, such anger can be soothed when the individual is offered the opportunity to share their feelings and know they are cared for. Lack of attention and caring leads to an escalation of anger and name calling.

What Is Happiness?

For 42 years, the psychiatrist Dr. George Vaillant has been responsible for the Harvard Study of Adult Development, a study begun in 1937 as a study of healthy, well-adjusted Harvard sophomores (all male), it has followed its subjects for more than 70 years. He has valuable insight into what happiness means from a lifespan perspective.

In an Atlantic article on happiness, Dr. Vaillant suggests that happiness comes from self-acceptance, accepting that it takes years to accurately assess yourself, and that connection with others is paramount.

Is He Lazy or Depressed?

He lays around the house all day. He says he will do more to help, but fails to follow through. He complains a lot and seems to criticize everything and everyone, but himself. You understand that his job is a source of stress, but you question whether he is motivated to do a good job at work or unmotivated like he is at home?

Depression is not the same as laziness. Depression creates a lack of motivation but it is a general lack of motivation. When discussing depression, motivation is simply the act of doing something. The depressed individual does fewer and fewer activities. A severely depressed individual will struggle to even take a shower or other basic activities of daily living.

What we refer to as a lazy individual is actually someone motivated to avoid certain unpleasant tasks (such as mowing the lawn). The avoidance of the task is a reward because the task is unpleasant, the reward becomes the avoidance of the unpleasant task. Not all activities are avoided. The lazy individual can enjoy many activities and appears joyful while doing these pleasant activities.

For the depressed individual, the past, the world around them, and the future appears bleak with little hope for a brighter day. When the depressed individual looks at him or herself, they only see the failures of the past and anticipate failure in the future. Most important, they see themselves as the reason for the failure. When a success is highlighted, the depressed individual will attribute this to luck, but all failure is his or her responsibility.

The lazy person's negativity focuses the shortcomings of their environment. "If only things were different, then my life would be better." Being a victim of the environment, the lazy individual takes no personal responsibility for the outcome of their lives.

The depressed person withdraws from others. Relationships are stressful because the depressed individual feels unworthy of others' caring for them. Consequently, the depressed individual withdraws from previously enjoyable activities.

The lazy individual is interested in manipulating others' impression. He or she wants others' concern as he or she offers excuses for underachievement. Others' concern then allows the lazy individual to maintain self-worth without performing the undesirable behavior.

A depressed individual makes you want to be nurturing and soothing. The lazy individual causes others to feel frustrated and disappointed. Nurturing can help the depressed person and harm the lazy individual.

Former Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton Denies Addiction or Need for Power

After former Memphis Mayor Herenton suggested he may run in the interim election to replace himself, many media persons and citizens responded by questioning whether he was mentally stable. This prompted the former mayor to defend his mental stability (http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/aug/14/herenton-my-state-mind-real-good/).

In defending himself, the former mayor suggested he had changed his mind about resigning. He stated that he changed his mind because of decisions that he saw taking place at City Hall. He feared that these decisions would not be in the city’s best interest. Thus, the situation called for him to step back in to resume his role as mayor even as he was running for a congressional seat in Washington.

So why are so many focusing on whether his behavior is indicative of mental illness? Whenever behavior is otherwise inexplicable, it is common for folks to suggest that the answer to the behavior lies in mental illness. Psychologists view mental illness differently. Mental illness is seen as a pattern of behavior that is demonstrated consistently over time. Anxiety or depression interferes with the individual’s mood for months or even years. Drug and alcohol abuse or dependence is demonstrated by a pattern of behavior, not by the dire consequences of one night of substance abuse.

When former mayor Herenton suggested he did not have a need for power, he seemed to address whether he has a personality disorder. Most likely he is saying he does not have a narcissistic personality disorder. This is characterized by at least five of the following characteristics:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2.Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance,beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
3.Believes they are "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also "special" or of high status
4.Requires excessive admiration
5.Has a sense of entitlement
6.Is interpersonally exploitative
7.Lacks empathy
8.Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9.Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The question is not whether Dr. Herenton has shown these patterns in this situation, but whether he has shown this pattern over the course of his adulthood? To accuse him of mental illness based on behavior that you do not understand is disrespectful to all of those who suffer a lifetime of mental illness.

Combating Negative Predictions for Your Future

You sit for hours knowing that you should be accomplishing something - anything. But the energy and motivation have evaporated from your life. You compare yourself with others who seem to accomplish so much. Worse yet, you compare yourself to the person you once were. You recall past accomplishments and wonder if you will ever again be that person.

A depressed mood easily triggers negative thoughts and pessimistic expectations for the future. In the past if you had a bad day, you would say, "Well, tomorrow will be better." Now you say, "Will this be a never-ending pattern to my life; will I never accomplish anything of value again?"

Such questions are typical of someone with a mood disorder (or anybody experiencing daily pain). Nobody can predict the future. If you ask me whether I want to accomplish something tomorrow, I'll say "yes" but if you ask me whether I know I will accomplish something tomorrow, I'll have to admit that I don't.

Still we do predict the future. We believe that the the best predictor of the future is the past. But how good a predictor is the past? How many things have happened in your life would you not have predicted? How many times have you been pleasantly surprised or bitterly disappointed by an outcome?

Negative predictions about the future based on the past are toxic to your mood. It is bad enough to feel so much pain today, but it is a hundred times worse to believe that the pain will never end. Remind yourself daily that you can affect your mood, that your mood can improve. Monitor your mood three times a day, rating your mood from 0 to 100. Notice that your mood does change and where there is change there is room for improvement.

Why You Won't Stick to Your Diet

Image by PetitPlat by sk_ via Flickr

Imagine your doctor tells you that your cholesterol level is too high and that you should never eat another donut. Will that donut become a smaller part of your life or will your desire grow as you feel deprived of the pleasure of the donut? I think you know the answer to this question – as you consider going for a donut.

In contrast, if you change your lifestyle and choose to eat more fruits and vegetables exercise and generally try to be healthy, then donuts lose their pull. Eating donuts becomes incompatible to your goals and eventually it becomes incompatible to who you are. Your image of yourself has changed and you rarely feel deprived of donuts.

You probably have a long list of behaviors you would like to change—a list that you have had for a long time. You wrestle with the behaviors, sometimes taming them only to see them raise their ugly heads once again. It is better to search for incompatible behaviors that you can build that will ultimately push out the behaviors you want to eliminate.

Instead of trying to stop being anxious, find ways of behaving courageously by looking for challenges you can manage. Instead of trying to stop being depressed, find ways to be more active, generous, or grateful. Instead of trying to change an important person in your life, change your approach to that person. Set goals that are easily achievable and don’t expect to always succeed! In fact, quit trying to always succeed – oh, that’s right, it’s hard to quit.