Doing Good and Feeling Better

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Perhaps you are like me and when you think of doing good you think of making a huge sacrifice of time to a worthy project that you really don't want to do. The many folks that have participated in these projects typically say they are happy they participated because they "received more than they gave." However, there are many more of us who choose not to invest so heavily and fail to reap the rewards of doing good.

While I have done some charitable activities in my lifetime, I have spent far more time not participating. Lately I have been interested in how we can do good without making a huge sacrifice of time and effort, yet still reap the benefit of feeling good about doing good. By lowering the bar on what I consider "doing good," I am able to make daily efforts rather than making one huge sacrifice.

What do I mean by making daily efforts. Think of what you would do to improve the world. Would you feed the hungry, help children, or bring others to a greater awareness of God? Whatever your answer, consider one activity you could do tomorrow that would contribute to your definition of a better world.

The environmental movement provides a good example. Instead of asking you to make big sacrifices to save the planet, the movement suggests that you make small changes such as the type of light bulb you purchase, the use of reusable shopping sacks, or wasting less water. These activities do not singlehandedly save the planet, but you can feel you are doing good. The wisdom of this movement is that if every one of us makes a small effort the impact on the earth can be tremendous.

You may not be inclined to environmental causes but toward others, yet you can find similar small efforts that can reap big rewards if done by many. For instance, the coffee and chocolate industry is planning to reduce cocoa and coffee beans produced by child slave labor in West Africa over the next four years. Imagine the impact, if Americans suddenly decided to refuse to purchase coffee or chocolate that was produced in these African nations. I doubt that it would take four years to end the practice of child slave labor. You can begin by choosing to purchase products by companies that are socially responsible. Your dollars spent can be a vote for doing good and you spend your dollars daily.

Doing good can have a great impact on your mood. You feel good about your actions, but you also feel better about yourself as someone willing to do good. As you feel better about yourself, your self-worth improves. You get the picture, small steps lead to an improved mood. Start today, start doing good!

Feel Better By Struggling Less?

Some recent research I have read suggests that the more we struggle with our mood, the worse it gets. When research subjects who have a negative self-image receive positive feedback, their assessment of themselves actually worsened. It is as though the positive feedback just highlights their shortcomings rather than changing their assessment of themselves.

However, decades of research has demonstrated that those who suffer from anxiety and depression can improve their mood if they reduce their negative thoughts about themselves, the past and the future. So, how do you react to these seemingly contradictory results? Do you continue to make an effort to change your negative self-statements or do you make an effort to accept your pain?

Perhaps one compromise lies in the need for an individualized approach to coping with a mood disorder. We know that simple, one-size-fits-all approaches have limitations that can be improved on by taking into account the characteristics of the individual.

One individual can hear a "power of positive thinking" message and be uplifted while another can find the message to be superficial and of no help. Change occurs from within. I find that many of my clients are helped by surprising sources - a simple act of kindness, finding they are not alone in their suffering, or the expression of love from a friend or family member can have a profound effect on one's thinking...and one's mood.

When you accept another's caring, you are allowing yourself to be valued, ("I am worth caring about"). This then affects your self-worth and changes how you think about yourself. "If I'm worth someone caring for me, then I will refuse to put myself down."

Simply sharing your pain by talking to family, friends, or a therapist can help change your perspective. What seems overwhelming and unmanageable suddenly seems less overwhelming and more manageable with the calming presence of someone willing to be by your side and listen to your pain. Their tolerance helps your ability to tolerate the pain.

There are many paths to an improved mood. If you are struggling and feeling hopeless, then you need to know that your pain is not signal that you are hopeless. Reach out and try a different path.

Combating Negative Self-worth

When you hear something you don't believe, what happens? Do you consider that the statement may be true or do you adhere more strongly to your original belief? Chances are that you simply adhere to your original belief and search out supporting evidence for that belief.

So why is that important for those suffering from a mood disorder?

What happens if you are down on yourself, let's say your appearance and someone tells you how nice you look. Are you likely to change your self-appraisal? Will you say, "Maybe I do look nice." Perhaps, but the lower your self-esteem, the more likely you are to brush off the compliment and stick with your original belief that you do not look nice.

Now think about how you view your personal worth. When others suggest they value you, do you accept this or reject the belief. Do you allow your negative thoughts about yourself to be challenged or do you simply look for more evidence that supports negative thoughts about yourself?

Finally, how is your mood affected by hearing compliments? Do you accept the compliment and feel better about yourself? Or do you reject the compliment and remind yourself of why you do not deserve such a positive comment?

Can you see how you can get into a pattern of negative thoughts about yourself which digs an ever deeper hole of poor self-esteem. To dig out of this dark hole, you must allow yourself you see positive qualities as reflected in what others say about you. Accept the truth in compliments. Start to give yourself compliments!

New Year's Resolutions Down the Drain?

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I like New Years because it is a time of renewal. The new year can be anything that you can imagine. Of course, you imagine yourself becoming a better person in the new year, so you set goals for how you want the new year to be different from the past.

Unfortunately, those goals can easily fall away because you fail to maintain them on a consistent basis. Let's say you decide to lose weight. You did well for a few weeks, then you lose focus on changing your eating and exercise routine. Finally, you tell yourself, "I'm hopeless, I can never maintain the discipline it takes to meet my goals."

Now think about anything you have accomplished in the past. Did you accomplish this through one effort or through many smaller efforts? Most goals require repeated efforts, not one. Ask someone who has successfully quit smoking, "How many times did you try before you were successful?" You will find that the majority of those respondents tried many times before achieving their nonsmoker status.

Have you already given up on your goals for self-improvement? Has your vision for a better year already faded? Consider making another effort and commit to keep trying even if you falter along the way. In December you may find that you have improved.

You Can't Buy Happiness

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If you were offered $300 worth of therapy or $40,000 cash, which would make you happier? I know, you are saying give me the cash and I'll get back with you on that question. Recent findings suggest that therapy may be the better path.

Researchers in Europe compared large numbers of people for changes in happiness. They compared those who sought therapy during a 4-month period with those whose income increased during the same period. Results suggested that it would take an increase of more that $40,000 to match the improvement in happiness that $300 worth of therapy achieved.

How can that be? What makes therapy such an effective path to happiness? Money changes external circumstances - you can get more stuff, but therapy changes you. External changes are easily absorbed into our lives and are quickly taken for granted. A new purse or golf clubs provide a strong immediate boost to your mood, but such a boost in mood does not last.

Therapy can help you to accept responsibility for your mood. You learn to see how your behavior, your thinking, and your relationships affect your mood. This awareness provides you with the ability to find happiness in your daily life.

Are you waiting for external circumstances to change in order for you to find happiness? Are you waiting for Mr. Right, a promotion at work, or a vacation to alter your mood. Instead, try examining your pattern of thinking, your relationship patterns, and your behavior patterns as a source of happiness. Consider visiting a therapist as an avenue for self-examination and a path to happiness instead of treatment reserved just for those suffering from mental illness.

Is He Stuck Up or Shy?

If you want the attention of everyone, then you may be stuck up. If you feel that everyone is looking at you and judging you negatively, then you are probably shy.

Shy folks are extremely sensitive to others' opinions. They tend to assume others are judging them and that the judgment is negative. To overcome shyness you must come to realize that while some people are interested in you, most are not.

For example, Jane walks into a party and feels that a spotlight has been focused on her. She becomes so self-conscious that she is unable to enjoy the social opportunities of the party and soon wants to leave. Other party-goers assume she doesn't like their company.

If you think you are perfect, you are probably stuck up. If you feel imperfect, you are probably shy.

You are clearly exaggerating your worth when you are only able to see your strengths and avoid looking at your weaknesses. On the other hand, shy folks are excruciatingly aware of their faults and believe that these faults stand out like a sore thumb. Shyness causes the individual to examine themselves while they interact with others. It is as though they are sitting on a perch above each interaction to catch any mistakes. Each word, gesture, and reaction is assessed with a critical eye.

For instance, Sam is talking to a coworker. He finds it difficult to maintain concentration because he is also telling himself that he sounds like an idiot and that his coworker knows that he doesn't really know what he is talking about.

If you can't imaging being rejected by anyone then you are probably stuck up. If you feel that rejection is a sign of your unworthiness, then you are likely a shy person.

Shy folks are extremely sensitive to any sign of rejection. They desire unconditional acceptance and experience normal disagreements, differences of opinion, or even disagreeable facial expressions as a sign of rejection. Distraction or intrusion by another person in a conversation can also be viewed as a sign of rejection.

Sally is talking with Bill. Bill's attention is caught by something happening on the television screen. Sally says to herself, "I can see he's not interested in talking to me." She replies to Bill, "I'll talk to you later" and walks away, leaving Bill confused as to why she walked away so abruptly.

As you can see by the examples, overcoming shyness requires you to examine how you think about yourself in social situations. Shyness is a painful way to interact (or avoid interacting) with others. However, it is not a permanent condition. Many formerly shy folks have learned to enjoy interacting with others by recognizing that they are not the center of attention and that it is okay to make social mistakes or lose others' attention.

Stuck up people rarely try to change, but you can see that they also need to change their false perceptions.

Is She a Bitch or Bipolar

The public's awareness of bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depressive disorder) has grown considerably in the past ten years. It was once considered a rare disorder but is now diagnosed with increasing frequency. Along with increased awareness of the disorder has come misunderstanding.

I have found that quickness to anger is often seen as a sign of bipolar disorder. When someone is frequently irritable they are suspected of having bipolar disorder. Couples that have frequent fights often claim that their partner has bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder is not best characterized by anger although irritability can be an important symptom. Bipolar disorder is best characterized by mood swings. The mood may change rapidly or gradually. This change in mood can occur over just a few hours or over months.

On the "high" end, the individual has an elevated mood. His or her mood tends to be euphoric. He or she has unusual amounts of energy, impulsiveness, less need for sleep, is easily distracted, and has an inflated self-esteem. The person's euphoric mood is not just happy but can be dangerously unrealistic.

On the "low" end, the individual suffers from a depressed mood. Activity slows, sleep becomes a source of escape, concentrating takes greater effort, and self-esteem tanks. When down, individual will view themselves, the world, and others in a negative light.

Irritability occurs in bipolar disorder when the individual is euphoric or depressed. The euphoric individual becomes frustrated when others impede with their goals, schemes, or "cleaver" ideas. Other's effort to protect the euphoric person from harm is viewed as an irritant, not as help.

Irritability also accompanies the down side. Depression leads the individual to see everything negatively, which leads others to urge the person to be more positive, more active, and be more social. Irritability serves to push others away and removes help that is viewed as making an overwhelming demand.

Now when a husband claims his wife is bipolar, typically he is not describing this pattern of mood swings. Rather, he is saying, "She seems to get mad for no reason" or "She just can't let go of hurts that I have inflicted." Note that the irritability has an interpersonal context that the spouse is denying. Often, such anger can be soothed when the individual is offered the opportunity to share their feelings and know they are cared for. Lack of attention and caring leads to an escalation of anger and name calling.