It’s No Big Deal: How We Choose What Worries Us

What is more likely to harm you McDonalds or Al-Qaida?  Are you more likely to die in an airplane crash or from smoking cigarettes? Are your children more likely to die from a gun or a swimming pool?

We sort of understand that McDonalds, cigarettes and swimming pools kill more folks, yet we worry more about Al-Qaida, airplane flights, and guns. Why is this?

Our brains are unable to sort out dangers based strictly on probability. Instead, we weigh out dangers based on perception. We even refer to dangers in terms of size – it is a “big” danger. What makes a danger big?

We tend to dangers that stand out from others. McDonalds’ high-fat foods do not stand out in the environment as a source of danger in your neighborhood even though the foods they serve contribute to ours’ and our children’s health obesity-related disease. Al-Qaida stands out as a unique danger, even though they are a small group of radicals unlikely to attack your workplace we, as a nation, spend many, many billions to protect ourselves from them.

Children killed by guns or a plane crash make news while drowning or cancer are less likely to make the evening news. Certain events are large because they are so dramatic. Who can forget the drama of the twin towers burning but an equal number killed in health-related disease is almost dismissed by the general public. But the dramatic impact is not necessarily associated with their danger.

In our personal lives, we need to realize that much of the danger in our lives comes through our daily behavior not from the sources that the media trumpet.

Predicting Happiness Is Like Predicting the Weather

You may have noticed that weather predictions are better when they are predicting what the weather will be tomorrow than what the weather will be ten days from now, much less what it will be six months from now. We are like that in predicting what will make us happy.

We can better predict what will bring us joy today than what will bring joy six months from now. Yet, we behave as though we are accurate predictors of future happiness. “I sure will be happy when this project is over.” “If I won that lottery, I’d be happy for the rest of my life.” “If only he would quit drinking, we would be able to be happy.”

You can pretty much tell how you will feel today if you buy that expensive purse or new golf club. But you will have a much more difficult time predicting the effect of those purchases six months from now. In fact you are likely to be wrong in your prediction. Studies have shown that we expect purchases to bring more happiness than they actually do. For that matter, we have exaggerated expectations for many things to bring us happiness. One problem is that we are attempting to project too far into the future.

“If I get that promotion my life will be happier.” “I’ll be happy if I can get Bob to marry me.” “Children will make us happier.” In each example, the individual is making a prediction that goes far into the future. Each person’s life could be happier as a result of that promotion, marriage or children, but there are many other variables that will contribute to whether their prediction is accurate. Not only can promotions create tension with coworkers, marriage create tension when expectations are unmet, and children can simply be a pain (remember what sleep deprivation feels like?), but other factors such as health concerns, unexpected financial emergencies, or a myriad of life events can impact one’s joy.

Since I was a young child, I have been encouraged to make decisions based on what will lead to greater happiness in the future. I taught my children the same lessons. But making good grades, following the rules, and choosing your friends wisely do not guarantee future happiness. In fact, concern about the future can actually undermine your ability to enjoy today by leaving you anxious in your inability to control the future.

As criminals in jail, teenage mothers, and high school dropouts will tell you, bad decisions can lead to unhappiness, but avoiding bad decisions does not bring happiness. Instead of focusing on the distant future for your happiness, take time each day to find a source of happiness that day can bring.

Perhaps you will find happiness in chatting with a friend, appreciating nature, or performing an simple act of kindness. As you focus on each day’s sources of happiness, you will find that you are better at detaching from the worries of an unpredictable tomorrow.

Why Are Older People Happier?

The New York Times recently published an article on the relationship between aging and well-being. It seems that our happiness declines from age 18 until age 50, when happiness increases. So what if you are way under 40? Do you have to suffer until you get older, or can you gain something from this finding that may contribute to your present-day happiness?

What is different about being fifty? One thing that we know for sure is that health concerns become greater as we age. So health problems evidently do not undermine one’s ability to be content. Typically, children are launched by age 50 (hopefully) and career advancement has leveled off. So the absence of children and career advancement do not undercut our ability to enjoy life.

About 60% of all divorces happen in the first ten years of the marriage (so the Gore marriage is an exception to the rule). Thus, those over 50 probably have settled into a committed relationship or recognize that they will be single for the rest of their life (women who desire marriage but have not prospects, as an example) and choose to spend time nourishing family and friendships.

Those over fifty have also discovered that they have not accurately predicted what will make them happy. Many were raised with the belief that accumulation of things will bring happiness. They strove for higher wages, which took longer work hours and yet they found that the higher wages did not buy happiness. After fifty, they find that a simpler life built around relationships and experiences bring more happiness than accumulating more stuff. Fifty brings the desire to downsize, not accumulate.

Even if you are not fifty, you can profit from the lessons of those who are. Balance your career strivings, your desire for that new boat, or your belief that you will be happier if you get that tummy tuck with the knowledge that lasting happiness is generated in relationships. Commit to your marriage, your friends and to creating memorable experiences with them.

Doing Good and Feeling Better

Image via Wikipedia

Perhaps you are like me and when you think of doing good you think of making a huge sacrifice of time to a worthy project that you really don't want to do. The many folks that have participated in these projects typically say they are happy they participated because they "received more than they gave." However, there are many more of us who choose not to invest so heavily and fail to reap the rewards of doing good.

While I have done some charitable activities in my lifetime, I have spent far more time not participating. Lately I have been interested in how we can do good without making a huge sacrifice of time and effort, yet still reap the benefit of feeling good about doing good. By lowering the bar on what I consider "doing good," I am able to make daily efforts rather than making one huge sacrifice.

What do I mean by making daily efforts. Think of what you would do to improve the world. Would you feed the hungry, help children, or bring others to a greater awareness of God? Whatever your answer, consider one activity you could do tomorrow that would contribute to your definition of a better world.

The environmental movement provides a good example. Instead of asking you to make big sacrifices to save the planet, the movement suggests that you make small changes such as the type of light bulb you purchase, the use of reusable shopping sacks, or wasting less water. These activities do not singlehandedly save the planet, but you can feel you are doing good. The wisdom of this movement is that if every one of us makes a small effort the impact on the earth can be tremendous.

You may not be inclined to environmental causes but toward others, yet you can find similar small efforts that can reap big rewards if done by many. For instance, the coffee and chocolate industry is planning to reduce cocoa and coffee beans produced by child slave labor in West Africa over the next four years. Imagine the impact, if Americans suddenly decided to refuse to purchase coffee or chocolate that was produced in these African nations. I doubt that it would take four years to end the practice of child slave labor. You can begin by choosing to purchase products by companies that are socially responsible. Your dollars spent can be a vote for doing good and you spend your dollars daily.

Doing good can have a great impact on your mood. You feel good about your actions, but you also feel better about yourself as someone willing to do good. As you feel better about yourself, your self-worth improves. You get the picture, small steps lead to an improved mood. Start today, start doing good!

Feel Better By Struggling Less?

Some recent research I have read suggests that the more we struggle with our mood, the worse it gets. When research subjects who have a negative self-image receive positive feedback, their assessment of themselves actually worsened. It is as though the positive feedback just highlights their shortcomings rather than changing their assessment of themselves.

However, decades of research has demonstrated that those who suffer from anxiety and depression can improve their mood if they reduce their negative thoughts about themselves, the past and the future. So, how do you react to these seemingly contradictory results? Do you continue to make an effort to change your negative self-statements or do you make an effort to accept your pain?

Perhaps one compromise lies in the need for an individualized approach to coping with a mood disorder. We know that simple, one-size-fits-all approaches have limitations that can be improved on by taking into account the characteristics of the individual.

One individual can hear a "power of positive thinking" message and be uplifted while another can find the message to be superficial and of no help. Change occurs from within. I find that many of my clients are helped by surprising sources - a simple act of kindness, finding they are not alone in their suffering, or the expression of love from a friend or family member can have a profound effect on one's thinking...and one's mood.

When you accept another's caring, you are allowing yourself to be valued, ("I am worth caring about"). This then affects your self-worth and changes how you think about yourself. "If I'm worth someone caring for me, then I will refuse to put myself down."

Simply sharing your pain by talking to family, friends, or a therapist can help change your perspective. What seems overwhelming and unmanageable suddenly seems less overwhelming and more manageable with the calming presence of someone willing to be by your side and listen to your pain. Their tolerance helps your ability to tolerate the pain.

There are many paths to an improved mood. If you are struggling and feeling hopeless, then you need to know that your pain is not signal that you are hopeless. Reach out and try a different path.

Combating Negative Self-worth

When you hear something you don't believe, what happens? Do you consider that the statement may be true or do you adhere more strongly to your original belief? Chances are that you simply adhere to your original belief and search out supporting evidence for that belief.

So why is that important for those suffering from a mood disorder?

What happens if you are down on yourself, let's say your appearance and someone tells you how nice you look. Are you likely to change your self-appraisal? Will you say, "Maybe I do look nice." Perhaps, but the lower your self-esteem, the more likely you are to brush off the compliment and stick with your original belief that you do not look nice.

Now think about how you view your personal worth. When others suggest they value you, do you accept this or reject the belief. Do you allow your negative thoughts about yourself to be challenged or do you simply look for more evidence that supports negative thoughts about yourself?

Finally, how is your mood affected by hearing compliments? Do you accept the compliment and feel better about yourself? Or do you reject the compliment and remind yourself of why you do not deserve such a positive comment?

Can you see how you can get into a pattern of negative thoughts about yourself which digs an ever deeper hole of poor self-esteem. To dig out of this dark hole, you must allow yourself you see positive qualities as reflected in what others say about you. Accept the truth in compliments. Start to give yourself compliments!

New Year's Resolutions Down the Drain?

Image by chrisjfry via Flickr

I like New Years because it is a time of renewal. The new year can be anything that you can imagine. Of course, you imagine yourself becoming a better person in the new year, so you set goals for how you want the new year to be different from the past.

Unfortunately, those goals can easily fall away because you fail to maintain them on a consistent basis. Let's say you decide to lose weight. You did well for a few weeks, then you lose focus on changing your eating and exercise routine. Finally, you tell yourself, "I'm hopeless, I can never maintain the discipline it takes to meet my goals."

Now think about anything you have accomplished in the past. Did you accomplish this through one effort or through many smaller efforts? Most goals require repeated efforts, not one. Ask someone who has successfully quit smoking, "How many times did you try before you were successful?" You will find that the majority of those respondents tried many times before achieving their nonsmoker status.

Have you already given up on your goals for self-improvement? Has your vision for a better year already faded? Consider making another effort and commit to keep trying even if you falter along the way. In December you may find that you have improved.